


Truth

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-16 02:48:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10562145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: Episode addition to Memorial. It wasn’t until I watched Saffron’s wonderful video ‘Beyond Words’ that I noticed that KJ and Chakotay were in the same dream sequence on Tarakis. Got me thinking…. Thanks Saffron.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The text in italics denotes dialogue taken directly from the episode and my take on their actions and reactions.
> 
> Thanks again to Kat Lady for the excellent beta.

_There was devastation all around her._

_She walked slowly up to Chakotay as he knelt over the body of a slain Nakan civilian. They looked at each other, horror and confusion written on their faces. The sound of full power phaser fire shook her out of her bewilderment._

_She ran at the shooter, shoving him hard. “What the hell are you doing?”_

_Pushing the soldier aside Saavdra yelled at her. “Stand aside.”_

_She swung around to face him, as he coldly informed her, “They were never here. We disabled their shield generators and entered the colony and they were gone.”_

_She looked frantically around her at the faces of her comrades. “Nobody’s going to believe that.”_

_“They will if we all keep to the same story.”_

_“I won’t lie about what happened here.”_

_“Then you say nothing.”_

_She had to make them understand. “We murdered these people.” She screamed at him._

_He yelled back at her. “In self defence.”_

_“If that were true you wouldn’t be vaporising the evidence.” She turned around to the men behind her. She was desperate to convince someone that this was wrong. “You don’t have to listen to him. We’ve got to let people know. We panicked. They’ll understand.”_

_“No, they won’t. Move away.” She raised her weapon. Why wouldn’t he understand?_

_He bellowed at her “I said move away.”_

_Weapons were trained on her from all sides. They would kill her to hide their secret. What they had done, what they had all been a part of, was so appalling, that one more death, even that of one of their own, was of no consequence. Just as the lives of the Nakan were of no consequence. She backed away, horrified and sickened but unable to do anything to stop them._

Her whole body flinched as the firing began again and the Nakan were blasted out of existence. But no amount of phaser fire would ever eradicate them from her memory. She kept backing away slowly, wanting to run and hide, but her legs were about to give way. She gasped as she suddenly backed into a solid body and two strong arms wrapped themselves around her, preventing her fall. She slumped against the familiar form, so grateful for his presence. “Come on, Kathryn, we have to get out of here. There is nothing we can do.” He moved her into a copse of trees out of sight of the other soldiers. Once they were safe, her turned her in his arms, and held her tight to his chest. She held onto him, desperately trying to quell her anguish, gripping handfuls of his uniform and burying her head into the warm solidness of his shoulder. The sound of rifle fire came closer. “Kathryn, we have to move.” She was so close to him that she felt as well as heard his words. She didn’t care what happened as long as he held her.

He moved her to his side and gripped her around her shoulders, moving them far away from the scene of the massacre. She still had her head down and was letting him guide her. Half walking and half dragging her, he pulled her into the entrance of a small cave. Flashing his wrist light around, he found the cave empty and dry and thankfully well away from the devastation of which they had been unwilling participants and horrified witnesses.

Once they were well towards the back of the cave, he sank slowly to the floor with her still clinging to him. The silence was deafening and her uneven breathing echoed around the stark rock walls. She started to shudder, overwhelmed with grief and guilt.

“Oh God, Chakotay, what have we done?” He hauled her onto his lap as she cried, his silent tears falling into her hair.

He couldn’t understand how this had happened. Why would they have been involved in such a situation? And Kathryn. He had never seen her so distraught. He was at a loss. All he could do was hold her and try to calm her. “Kathryn, it’s going to be alright. We’ll find out what happened and try to speak to someone in charge. There will be a way to fix this.”

She looked at him with a sad tear-stained face. “Chakotay, we can’t fix this. How do we bring 82 men, women and children back from the dead? How do we convince people that it was an accident?”

She gripped him tighter and he held her head to him and kissed her hair, stroking her to try and soothe her. She molded herself to him, needing to be close to someone warm and living. Her face was tucked under his chin as she took deep breaths, saturating her senses with his scent. Seeing so much death compelled her to seek some affirmation of life, and Chakotay was such a part of her, and her life, that at the moment he was the only thing that stood between her and total despair. She was pulling herself closer to him, as if trying to climb inside him. He pulled her body closer as she began clawing at him. He leant forward and brought his face into her neck, breathing her in. He needed her life essence as much as she needed his. She was holding his head, grasping it tightly in her hands as she bit and sucked at his neck. The anguish and anger was quickly translating into lust and desire.

She tore at his jacket and shirt, pulling them unceremoniously from his body as he did the same to her. Her hands were wildly stroking over his chest and shoulders as he ripped her bra through the front, exposing her breasts. He kneaded each of her breasts and roughly pinched her nipples, watching them as they puckered into hard nubs. He bent forward and took one in his mouth and bit down hard. Kathryn threw her head back and cried out, thrusting her lower body towards him. This was not the gentle love making that he had envisaged for them over the years. This was wanton, lustful and powerfully erotic sex. He rolled her under him and held her hands above her head with one of his and continued his assault on her body, stroking and pulling as she lifted her hips. She struggled slightly at being held, but when he looked in her eyes they were fiery and black with desire. He undid her pants and pushed them down partway with his hands and then pushed them down the rest of the way with his foot. He reached his hand down and gliding it over her clitoris, he plunged two fingers deep inside her as she arched and groaned. He captured her mouth in a punishing kiss, pushing his tongue deep into her mouth. Tearing her mouth away, she panted. “Chakotay, oh God, I need you, oh God.” She was writhing under him as he moved his fingers in and out of her at a frantic pace, his thumb punishing her clitoris at the same time. She was so hot and wet and ready for him. “Now, Chakotay, please now.”

He ripped his fingers from her depths, shoved his pants just low enough to release his throbbing penis. He released her hands, grabbed her hips and slammed himself home. She arched and thrust herself towards him as he clamped his mouth over hers to stifle her cries. He pumped into her and she threw her arms above her head in an act of supplication, as if her surrender to Chakotay would in some way appease the Gods for her deeds. Her eyes watched him as he pounded his shame and remorse into her. They were both lost in a haze of spiraling arousal, tinged with anger and guilt. Slowly reality reasserted itself and his gaze focused on hers. Tears began to form in both their eyes. He slowed his pace, the urgency and frenzy suddenly leaving them both. He lowered his head slowly and their lips met in a passionate and loving kiss. She lifted her arms and gently brought them around the back of his head. They sobbed into each others mouths as their lovemaking became a gentle give and take of devotion and adoration, the love they had for one another healing and providing succor for their battered souls. As they looked into each others eyes, a connection was made that carried them far beyond the constraints of earthly pleasure. Kathryn felt herself being lifted up and carried on a wave of bliss. Her orgasm overwhelmed her. She cried out as Chakotay groaned and followed her into ecstasy. As her mind and body slowly melded back together, she looked up into the eyes of her lover, Chakotay. The man she loved above all else. Chakotay! Suddenly she realized what they had done.

_Her eyes snapped open. She was lying in the mess hall with Tuvok and the Doctor hovering over her. She sat bolt upright and turned to the Doctor. “How long have I been here?”_

_“Three hours.” She turned her head away and covered her face with her hands. She didn’t want the Doctor or Tuvok to see her distress or the flush of sexual release that must be obvious to all around her. The Doctor continued. “You started hallucinating in Astrometrics and I’m afraid I had to sedate you.”_

_She slowly slid her hands from her face. “I was there. I was at the colony. With Saavdra.”_

_“You’re not the only one. Thirty nine crew members have begun to experience the same memories.”_

_Tuvok continued. “It appears that the entire crew has been affected.”_

She looked around the mess hall at all the distraught faces of her crew and wondered where Chakotay was. She was doubly devastated. Not only was she in part responsible for the massacre of over 80 civilians, she had destroyed the most important friendship of her life and broken trust with the person dearest to her. She had to find him and apologise for her weakness and hope that they could salvage something from this mess. She had given Tuvok orders to take the ship to Tarakis to find out what had happened and to try and right the wrong that they had done, but in the meantime she had to find Chakotay. “Computer. Locate Commander Chakotay.”

“Commander Chakotay is in his quarters.” She headed straight to deck three.

She rang the chime on his door and they opened to his darkened quarters. She could see him silhouetted against the passing stars in his viewport.

“Chakotay? Are you alright?”

He turned to her with deep hurt written on his features. “No, Kathryn, but I will be.” He moved across the room to take her in his arms. She put up both her hands to stop him.

“No, Chakotay, we can’t.” She backed away slightly, his closeness making it difficult for her to do what she had to. “It was a dream, Chakotay. It wasn’t real and we can’t allow it to interfere with our lives here on Voyager.” She moved behind a chair to put some space between them.

“Kathryn, we don’t know whether it was real or not.” He shook his head in dismay. “It was real for me. I love you, Kathryn, and you love me. You can’t tell me any different.”

“Don’t do this, Chakotay. We have to forget what happened.”

“Forget? Can you forget? Because I sure as hell can’t and I won’t. Put up the walls, deny it, do what ever you have to, Kathryn, but I know better now. We’re meant to be together. I have never experienced anything like that in my life. It wasn’t just sex. It was a joining of our souls.” He looked deeply into her eyes. “We are one now, Kathryn, and no amount of denial will ever change that.”

“Chakotay, I can’t.” She couldn’t stop the tears now. They were tracking down her face. This was so hard. She did love him. She had loved him for such a long time, and he was right. What they had experienced together had been an almost sacred moment. But it couldn’t happen on Voyager. She had to maintain her impartiality, her command distance. She couldn’t let herself love him. Not now. Not ever. “Chakotay, I have to go. We’re on our way to Tarakis and I’ll need your help.”

“Kathryn, you will always have my help, but remember that you’ll always have my love also. Do what you have to do, but this is something that will not be denied, no matter how hard you try.”

“Please, Chakotay, don’t do this to yourself. I’m sorry, but I can’t be what you need.”

“Kathryn, you are all that I need and all that I’ll ever need. Go find your war. I’ll be here for you.” He began moving towards her again.

“Chakotay, stop this please. This will do neither of us any good. It was a mistake. We were both vulnerable and it should never have happened.” He stopped mid stride. He looked shattered, her cold and callous words striking right into his very soul.

She took a deep breath. She needed to remove herself from this quagmire of emotions. “Commander, please meet me on the bridge in ten minutes.”

“Certainly, Captain.” His voice was like ice. She turned to go, but his whispered words stopped her in her tracks. “Remember, Kathryn, I’ll always love you.” She hung her head and marched out the doors.

On the bridge the command team was the epitome of Starfleet efficiency. The ship made orbit around the planet, but there was no sign of any phaser fire or weapon’s residue. They beamed down to the planet to find it deserted. Kathryn looked around her at the familiar but changed landscape. Her heart pounded as she recognized the hills where ‘their cave’ was situated. She couldn’t look at Chakotay. They split up into groups to survey the area. She and Chakotay began their search for the strange power signature. After a short hike through the trees, they found a tall, manmade obelisk which was emitting the erratic pulses. After taking readings and scans of the structure, they beamed back to Voyager with their findings.

As Kathryn stepped down from the transporter platform, she turned to Chakotay. “Meet me in Astrometrics, Commander, and we’ll go over these findings.”

Chakotay nodded perfunctorily. “Aye, Captain.” She marched out of the transporter room.

Chakotay hung back. He was still stung by her dogged determination to push aside her feelings and to ignore his. He was tired and weary of the constant fight to keep his emotions in check. She was so damn stubborn. But he could be just as persistent.

_Kathryn was already in the Lab with Seven when he arrived. He stood beside her as Seven explained about the obelisk in her cold and precise tones._

_“The structure contains a synaptic transmitter. I believe it was designed to send neurogenic pulses throughout this system.”_

_Kathryn was looking at the screen with haunted eyes. “So anyone passing through would experience the Nakan massacre.” She turned to Chakotay. “Like we did.”_

_“Precisely.” Seven’s cool persona was a contrast to the emotions boiling within the other two occupants of the room._

_Kathryn’s look stabbed at his heart. He moved to the other side of Seven. He couldn’t be so close to her at this point. He was still too angry. He spoke curtly as he moved. “Try running those symbols inscribed on the base through the translation matrix.”_

_Seven tapped the console. Kathryn moved further away. She could feel the waves of anger from Chakotay and it was having a terrible effect on her. She sat on the top step as the translation came up on the screen. Chakotay read the words aloud, his deep voice resonating through the room._

_“Words alone cannot convey the suffering. Words alone cannot prevent what happened here from happening again. Beyond words lies experience. Beyond experience lies truth. Make this truth your own.” The words pounded themselves into her heart. She understood. She understood it all. At last._

_“It’s a memorial. We weren’t victims of a conspiracy… We were witnesses to a massacre.” Her eyes glinted with unshed tears._

_The bitterness was evident in Chakotay’s voice. “We were more than witnesses. By being forced to relive those events, half the crew has been traumatized.”_

_She looked across at him. “Maybe that was the point. I certainly won’t forget what happened here.”_

_Chakotay gave her a cold look, then turned his attention to Seven. “Any information in that data base that might tell us who built this thing?”_

_“No. The technology has been neglected for more than two centuries. Its power cells are deteriorating.”_

_Kathryn looked at the screen again. “That could explain why our memories were so fragmented. It was probably designed to transmit the experience in sequence.”_

_Exasperated and wanting to get away from Kathryn, Chakotay spoke up. “Fascinating. Now let’s try and shut it down so nobody else has to go through this.” He turned towards her, waiting for her reply. She was staring at the screen, clearly upset. “Kathryn?”_

_She looked at him briefly, her eyes sad and hollow. “Yes, of course.”_

Kathryn left the Astrometrics Lab in a daze, the words from the memorial echoing through her mind. ‘Beyond words lies experience. Beyond experience lies truth.’ She knew the truth. So did Chakotay, but she had been determined to deny it. He loved her and she loved him. ‘Make this truth your own.’ She came to a dead stop in the corridor. All she had to do was own it, to be willing to open her heart and let the feelings take her where they would. She let the love spread within her and she felt lighter and freer than she had in years. With this realization, a wave of peace and acceptance washed over her.

She stood back at the viewport during the senior staff briefing, watching the interplay of her officers as they discussed what to do about the malfunctioning Memorial. Chakotay’s bitterness was colouring his opinion. Tom and Harry couldn’t think straight, their attitudes clouded by fear and remorse. It was Neelix who understood the meaning behind the words. His experience on Talax as a young man, a witness to his own race’s destruction, giving him a unique perspective and one with which she agreed. When Chakotay said ‘that some things were best forgotten,’ she’d had to speak up. She would never forget this and parts of it she never wanted to. She insisted that they recharge the power cells and repair the Memorial. As Neelix had said, they had no right to turn it off. As the disgruntled senior staff left the room, she called Chakotay back. “Chakotay, could I have a word with you please?”

He turned around and waited until the room was empty. “You wanted to speak to me, Captain.”

“It’s Kathryn, Chakotay.” She moved towards him. He watched her warily. “You were right. I’m sorry.”

“About what, Kathryn? What are you sorry about? Sorry that you are going to subject others to this horror? Sorry that half the crew is so traumatised they can barely make it to work? Sorry that you are distancing yourself again? Sorry that you can’t love me? Which is it, Kathryn?” He was still so angry.

“I’m sorry about all those things, except one. I’m not sorry that I can’t love you, because it’s not true. I do love you and I have for such a long time. I’m sorry that I’ve done this to you. I’m sorry that I tried to deny it and hurt you. For that I am deeply sorry, but I can’t go on without you. I’m sorry about so many things, but I’ll never be sorry for loving you.”

She wandered over to the view port and he followed, amazed and thrilled at her turn around, but still a little cautious. She was talking quietly to herself. “What did you say Kathryn?”

She turned and smiled, the first one he’d seen in days. “I was thinking about the words on the Memorial. ‘Make this truth your own.’ There are some truths that can’t ever be denied, and you were right, the love we have for each other is one of those truths.”

He came close behind her and laid his hands on her shoulders. She trembled and leant back into his body. He wrapped his arms around her, bringing back vivid memories of their time on the planet. She closed her eyes and remembered. A small knowing smile played around her lips. He turned her in his arms and looked into her dear face. She opened her eyes and their gazes locked. They were transported back to the cave and the moment when that deep bond was made. She reached up and caressed the side of his face. He bent over and kissed her neck, breathing in her scent. She ran her fingers through the hair at the back of his head as she gently pulled his head around. Their lips met in a warm and loving kiss.

“Tuvok to Captain Janeway.”

They pulled apart slowly and smiled at one another. Kathryn tapped her comm. badge. “Janeway here.”

“Captain, the away team is ready in the transporter room.” They were going to the planet to stabilise the transmitter and recharge the power cells. It would be their memorial to those lost over two centuries ago.

“We’re on our way, Tuvok.” Kathryn leant up and kissed Chakotay again sweetly. “Shall we, Commander?”

“After you, Captain.” He pulled away, but took her hand gently. “And Kathryn, thank you.”

“No, Chakotay, thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you. Thank you for making me see the truth.”

She left her hand in his as they made their way to the transporter room and back to the planet that had given them two disparate memories. One that they would have to live with and one they couldn’t live without.

 

fin


End file.
